


Weighted Words

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton needs a hug, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Multi, Stargazing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:41:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25059412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: One sentence. Three syllables. Three words.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, John Laurens/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 75





	Weighted Words

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Hamil-film day!

Alexander Hamilton is laying in tall grasses looking up at the night sky on a summer night in 1776. John Laurens and Eliza Schuyler flank him on both sides, so close to him that their shoulders brush against his when they move to point out constellations and astral bodies up in the heavens. 

They had snuck away from the rest of society to spend time together in the cover of darkness. 

Despite the heat of the summer day, the night brings a gentle breeze, pushing the heat away for a short period of time. Tall trees surround them, hiding them away in their own secret paradise.The wind pushes the tall grasses around the trio. Tonight is peaceful, the rustling grass and leaves and chirping crickets around him lulling him into a sense of calm. 

Eliza and John speak in quiet voices, overlapping as they find new constellations and for once in his life, Alexander is happy to remain silent. His eyes follow to where their fingers point, absorbing the new information. Some of the stars are new to him. Growing up knowing all the stars important to trade and merchants were the only stars he knew until he came to America. 

He looks at Eliza and John and they look absolutely ethereal under the light of the moon. Their faces are highlighted by moonbeams, silver light outlining the angles and curves of their features. 

They chatter on about the stars, talking about how they were named and the greek myths that follow. And then… suddenly, they are not talking about mythology and stars anymore. 

“I love you.” 

It’s one sentence. Three words. Three syllables. Eight letters. Yet, for such a beautiful and truthful omission, it settles a deep sense of dread in Alexander. 

“I love you, both, too,” Eliza responds immediately after. Her voice is light and melodious, as if she could sing a million songs of her feelings and never grow tired. Alexander’s throat constricts as his memories rush forward. A picture of his mother and brother flicker in his mind’s eye, their voices ringing in his ears.

_“I love you, my darling boys.”_

_“I love you ma…”_

_“I love you, Alexander…”_

Those words— those three words… they haunt him. The two people that loved him were dead. No one had told him that he was loved since his mother passed. They loved him and they died. Is the punishment for loving him death? Words lodge up in his throat and tears form in his eyes. 

He can’t let them love him. They would die if he did.

The thought of losing the two people that made him the happiest man alive wounds him far more than any bullet could. Alexander’s panic pulls him up from the ground, yanking him from the cool soil and grass. 

“I… I’m sorry. I… I have to… I can’t,” he chokes out, fleeing the scene. In his need to escape, he misses the concerned glance that John and Eliza share. 

He runs away, tears trailing down his checks. When he gets into the trees, he collapses to the ground, wrapping his arms around himself. From his place on the ground, he can still see the place where John and Eliza sit— they’re leaning against each other, Eliza’s head resting on John’s shoulder. 

He loves them. He really does and his heart hammers in his chest, a beast desperately trying to escape. They mean the world to him and he will not stand by and let his world crumble around him. He will not let them die. 

Memories cascade over them and his whole being shakes under their weight. To love and want to be loved are dangerous things in themselves. But knowing that everyone who has ever loved him has died, how could he just let John and Eliza love him? How could he when he knew the repercussions?

As he bites his lip and tries to center himself, a part of him wonders if running away from his problem ( _‘John and Eliza are not problems!’_ his brain reminds him) is a good idea. Every muscle in his body tenses as he contemplates what to do next. His hands shake and eyes water, the metallic tang of blood filling his mouth. Could he… could he let them love him? Or would running far, far away from them hurt more? 

Perhaps that would be better… At least, they wouldn’t die from his mistake.

Slowly, he relaxes, uncurling himself from the ball he had folded his limbs into. He can explain why he ran away. He can tell them that they can’t love him. He owes them that. (He owes them so much more, but he has to start somewhere.) Alexander takes a few shaky breaths before he once again pushes himself off the ground. 

He walks back to the spot on the hill where Eliza and John still sit, dragging his feet. Alexander approaches them from behind, their silhouettes outlined in a silvery light.  
They’re talking in low tones, too quietly for him to hear them— his footsteps disturb the grass, crunching beneath his feet and he knows that they can hear him. He stops when he is still a few paces away. 

“I’m sorry for running away,” Alexander says, speaking at them. He looks down at the ground but knows that he has two pairs of eyes focused on him. “I… I didn’t-” He sighs, and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly while forcing himself to look at them. 

In the dark, he can’t see their faces but he imagines that Eliza has an open, sympathetic look displayed on her features while John has no emotions to be seen with a sparkle of interest in his eyes. He bites his lip and swallows down his rising fear. 

“I… I got… I’m scared,” Alexander forces himself to keep his head up even as shame pricks his skin. Eliza tilts her head and John makes a questioning noise. “I’m scared that if I let you love me… that you’ll die. And you’ll leave me. My mother and my brother… they loved me. I know they did… but then they left me. They’re gone now. 

“And if that’s what happens because I let them love me,” he shudders, tears falling down his face, moonlight illuminating the trails that they make. “I don’t want that to happen to you. I can’t let it. Please don’t love me…” Alexander continues brokenly. “I love you too much.” 

As soon as he says those words, he hangs his head, resigned. He doesn’t even process the quick footsteps and Eliza’s arms being wrapped around his shoulders. He buries his face into her shoulder, breathing in the faint floral scent of her hair.

“’m sorry,” Alexander says, pleading with them to understand. Eliza steps back from the hug and places her hands on his cheeks. 

“It’s going to be alright. I love you. It’s going to be fine, you understand me?” Eliza speaks softly as if she were trying to coax a wounded animal to let her help it. In a way, that’s exactly what’s happening because Alexander is wounded in a way that could only be seen if he bore his soul. And he is; he’s letting Eliza and John see the messiest parts of him that he has locked away for so long, his tears and words standing as a testament. 

Alexander lets out an animalistic sound that comes from the back of his throat and covers his face with his hands. He nods weakly, wanting to believe her but doubtful. 

Despite his distress, he hasn’t forgotten about John. Beautiful and kind John who stole his heart before Alexander had even realized it. John who hasn’t moved from his spot on the ground. Alexander’s eyes flicker to his silhouette.

“J-John?” he asked, voice cracking along with his damaged heart. 

“What Alexander?” John fires back. Alexander thinks he means it angrily, but it comes out as a resigned and tired sigh. “We love you. Isn’t that enough? Couldn’t that be enough? Or will you just run away?”

“John!” Eliza hisses, eyes wide. 

“It’s fine, Betsey,” Alexander whispers. He knows it’s fair and he deserves to hear whatever ugly words John may sling at him. Turning complete to face John, he says, “Of course it will be enough! But what happens when I am not?! What happens when you get hurt from loving me? It’s not like we can… we can be together. The law…”

“Forget the law! Forget not being enough because you are so much more than enough! You will always be enough… and we can make our own decisions! Don’t even dare... Don’t you dare take away my right to choose!” John exclaims, jumping to his feet. Passion and frustration rolling off him in waves.

Eliza makes a sound of agreement. “Please don’t take away our choice to love you. We want you. Whatever the cost. We just want you.”

“Precisely,” John says, taking a few long strides to himself and Eliza. He wraps the two of them in his arms and says. “We love you. I love you, Alexander. And I love you too, Eliza”

“I love you and Alexander. So much,” Eliza murmurs into John’s shoulder. 

“And I-” Alexander’s voice hitches, “I love you, Eliza. I love you, John.” 

They stay in an embrace for a long time, holding each other tightly as their weighted words settle, both heavy and light in their hearts.

**Author's Note:**

> I may have thought of this randomly, but I hope you enjoyed. Thank you for reading! [Tumblr](https://bladesnflannel.tumblr.com)  
> -J


End file.
